How to ride a motorcycle in Malaysia…annoy the hell out of everyone and put yourself and others at great risk

In no particular order, except for the first:
  1. Remember that you are the king of the road, and that the convenience or safety of no one else matters.
  2. Ride anywhere on the road you like.
  3. If the road is too full, ride down the footpath – fast if you like.
  4. If a one way street is going the wrong way just ride in the direction you want.
  5. If you don’t feel like crossing to ride in the right direction on a two way street, ride on the wrong side
  6. Go straight through red traffic lights if you think no one will hit you – don’t even slow down if you don’t want to.
  7. If there is a police car stopped at a red traffic light, Point 6 is still good.
  8. When cars slow down or stop for pedestrians just zoom between the cars and through the crossing – it is better to avoid pedestrians, but you can scare them.
  9. If your intended manoeuver involves making another vehicle (s) brake hard to avoid you – no problem, manoeuver away – they will probably brake instead of being in an accident.
  10. Be cool, don’t wear a helmet – unless you prefer not to be recognised, in which case a helmet is effective.
  11. When a line of cars is waiting at a red traffic light, ride up the front, cut across so you block a lane of cars, then wobble off slowly sometime after the light turns green, so that everyone is held up.  This is an alternative to ignoring red lights.  Watch them in your mirror all changing lanes to try to get past you.  Then at the next red light you can come up in front of them and do it to the same people all over again.
  12. It’s easy to block a whole lane by choosing where to ride slowly, but experts can block two lanes by wobbling between them at just the right speed so no one can pass.
  13. When you wish to turn right and there is a feeder lane for right turns, come up slowly  in the lane to the left of it so vehicles going straight ahead have to drive slowly behind you, and have a good chance of getting caught by a red light. Meanwhile you get to be in the front of the queue of vehicles turning right.
  14. Turn left onto a major road from a minor road without slowing down or  looking to your right.
  15. Turn indicators are there to confuse – only use the right one, which you leave on if you are proceeding straight ahead or turning left.
  16. Park anywhere you like – footpaths are good too, as everyone else parks within about 6″ of where they are going, too – no one walks
  17. What you can carry on your motorbike is only limited by your imagination – your whole family? your extended family? the tools for a construction site?
  18. Wear a jacket back to front – no one knows why, but it shows you are a Malaysian bike rider.
  19. And when you get in a car to drive, what the hell, just pretend it’s a motorbike.


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